Confidence a go-go!

School again. Hard to believe that at 36, I'm back in college. With eighteen year olds. Busty, perky-boobed eighteen year olds. I finished my homework yesterday afternoon, and felt good. The prof had said to practice writing the roman alphabet style at least once, I did it three times, and could see improvement from one sheet to the next. My lines even got straighter; maybe I can draw a straight line to save my life!!!

My thighs are getting a good workout as well, with all the uphill power walking at the college. I like it, I feel good. And the fact that the last three pair of pants I've put on at home didn't fit any more (they were way too loose) makes for a wonderful feeling, too! Except it doesn't feel good to my pocket; I've dropped two sizes since the beginning of summer, so I'mma gonna needa new pants. Who knew that I would be burdened by shopping?!

I haven't done this in so long.....

but in just a few days, I'm going back to school. Despite devilish obstacles every turn I made, I've made it through the process and will be getting my books and starting class on Monday. Scared to death, but that's ok.

And they're OFF!

To school, that is. I can't believe it's not even fully halfway through August, and my kids have started school. Katie is a second grader, and Olie begins Kindergarten. As of this writing at 9ish in the morn, he isn't off yet; he attends kindergarten in the afternoon, but still. Man, where did the summer go? And next week, if all the roadblocks that have been thrown in front of me get taken care of, I'll be starting school as well. If I don't, I'll be crying, then looking for the next road.

I'm not used to being the sole decision maker; man, it's hard. There's so many things I have to decide, it's overwhelming, but mainly because I make it so. That perfectionist "can't make a mistake" thing rearing it's ugly head. My van is dying, so I need to make the decision: put $1200 - $2400 that I don't have into it to fix the transmission when it's got 143,000 miles on it, or sell it for $500 and get a cheap, small car? Decided on the car.

School or work? Like I said, roadblock after roadblock keep getting thrown in my face for school, but without the skills, I'll be stuck working for low wages and never getting anywhere. I want, I deserve, to have a job I'm HAPPY at and enjoy doing and feel like I'm contributing to the community, not just answering a phone.

Trip to Michigan or not? The date is perfect, Sept. 14-17 should be beautiful fall colors there, the kids are out of school so they can stay here with their dad, I really want to see my friends Robert, Tara and John, but it's $250 round trip (driving would be almost as much with the cost of gas.) I really want to get away, have a weekend of serenity (my kids being with their dad for the weekend is not serenity, that's boredom in my ol' house. I need the outdoors, good friends, cool breezes, crisp crackle of leaves and smoky scent of a fire warming up the night. I need to get away from ME. But, I also need to be financially responsible. $250 is a lot right now.

As Superchic[k] says "I've got some growing up to do."

I'm B-AAAAAA-CK!

Hopefully this time for good. First there was the power outage, then I had to get my computer scanned to see if there was anything illegal on it from the ex. Now, I have my world back. Boy, I sure did miss email and google.

Is it just me...?

Or has "kids' entertainment" gone too far?

If you have young, impressionable minds in your home, then please don't see:
"Faerie Tale Theatre"The Tale of the Frog Prince (1982) with Robin Williams. (IMDB didn't have a pic, sorry.)
**Three or four "damn"s.
**The frog calls the princess "bitchy."
**The frog asks to sleep with the princess, then gets flustered and makes many gestures,
saying "not THAT kind of sleep with you" which can make kids like mine turn around and
say "what does he mean, mommy?"
**The frog is checking out the princess as she gets undressed for bed, makes a comment about
her legs or something, and she calls him a "horny toad."
**And, last but not least, the site of a nearly (only a small red handkerchief covering the
genitals) naked Robin Williams. A scary site indeed for any adult movie, let alone a child's
faerie tale.

I mean, come on. I don't consider myself overly protective, but would any of YOU let your five and seven year old watch this???

Songs that take me back...

At a garage sale a month or so ago, before Brad moved out, he found a Violent Femmes cd and bought it. Blister in the Sun. Man, does that take me back to high school, to Speech Team. And that takes me back to Eric, who, with his pink (or was it orange) hair and outlandish clothes, told me once that I was "on the right track, but you still need to be more different." Wait, Eric. How are you any different than the popular crowd, whom you despise, when you are dressing and styling yourself just to be as different from "them" as you can be?

In "Walden II" the guy in charge of the Utopia is trying to make a point about free will to a couple of observers. He says to one, who is holding a cup, "I can make you keep holding that cup." Immediately, the man puts the cup down with a smug look on his face. And the leader says "Ah, but I just now MADE you put it down. Would you have put it down except to prove me wrong?" And the man is stuck, not knowing what to do, without giving control to the Untopian leader.

Which brings me to another person and another song. The person is John K. He was on speech team , also. And from the earliest I can remember, John was never influenced by what the popular crowd was doing, or what the unpopular crowd was not doing in order to be as different from the popular crowd as possible. He didn't give a damn about who they were or wanted him to be when it came to who he knew himself to be. In fact, he gave so little a damn that he wouldn't have wasted the breath to say he didn't give a damn. (Although....I am keeping the "Miami Vice" school picture in case I can blackmail him one day. Teal t-shirt, sparkling white blazer, oh yeah...) He was/is the truest person I know. And one of the songs that remind me of him is "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes. I'm not sure why; I kinda think it might have been playing when we "danced" (that awkward sway thing) at a jr. high dance.

Kirsten, "The Way You Do the Things You Do" makes me think of you, prancing in the dorm hallway singing that song. If I can say this without sounding like a lesbian, you're one of the most adorable people I know!

How about you three or four out there? :) Comment, comment, comment! What songs bring you back?

Ah, the wonder of Electricity!

Thank you Amren UE! After 6 days, 13 hours, and 35 minutes, we now have our power back!

This was my first, HURDLE, if you will, all by myself without Brad. And I felt I failed. I didn't take care of myself and almost passed out last Friday, I had a meltdown right after that, and I couldn't handle getting all the stinky spoiled food out of my deep freeze and freezer/refridgerator by myself (I had to ask a friend for help.) Yeah, I know, it's not failing, but it feels like it.

My friend John warned me it was a roller coaster. I wish he meant the kiddie ones. Cause this is far worse than any roller coaster I've ever ridden. I'm not sure it's safe for passengers.

It sucks. But life with Brad and ALWAYS questioning whether what he was saying was a lie or not..., well, that sucked more. This hurts, it hurts so bad I wish I could cut out my heart, but at least there's no ANXIETY. No nervous wondering, wondering. And I'm sleeping better. So, there you go.

But it still sucks.

My God gives me strength...

through mysterious ways. 

Telling the kids

We told them we are separating tonight. For a while, at least, due to my medical problems (looking like a form of epilepsy that can be controlled with medicine) I NEED his group insurance, else it would become a "pre-existing condition." The kids were slain, and though I still love him and wish so much that it didn't have to come to this, for a few moments I hated him. Watching the tears stream down my childrens' faces and knowing that we, his family, were not important enough for him to fight his addiction, and to fight his lying, and seeing the result.... I hated him then.

My daughter asked if we still loved each other. While I was saying, yes I did still love Daddy, I heard nothing from his side. I offered to let him take some of the pictures crowding our fireplace mantle, he declined. Why did I let my image of myself become so wrapped up in him. At near the height of my weight (figure that one out...) I believed I not only was beautiful, but sexy, as well. All because my husband desired me, I believed that. I believed I was funny and worthy and a good person, all because my husband believed that. I didn't care if the whole world hated me and thought me ugly, as long as Brad loved me and wanted me, I was SPECIAL.

And then to find the mounting evidence of cheating. Of lying. Of his corrupted sense of morality. I crashed.

And now? Now I weigh less than I did going off to college, and men give me second glances, and try to flirt, and I couldn't care less because the ONE I wanted to love me doesn't. Or at least doesn't enough. Which amounts to the same thing.

See what I mean about unmeshing?

In the paper, there was a short article about the record 132 million taken in by "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest". The article was titled "Shiver me timbers!" And I IMMEDIATELY thought of the Buffy episode where Anya (an ex vengeance demon who lacks human tact) tells Dawn (Buffy's fake but now real sister who was used by monks to hide the very energy of life) that Xander (One of the original scooby gang, wacky, sexy in a goofy way, and my fave, oh, and Anya's boyfriend) who is going as a pirate for halloween, is going to teach her a new game later called "Shiver Me Timbers." Dawn, being young and innocent, questions what that is and someone whisks her away to less sexual conversations. Later in the episode, Dawn gets her first kiss (ironically from a vampire, who is so into her that he wants to turn her) and she mumbles, "shiver me timbers." I SOOOOOOO wanted to save this little article, to show to Brad. He would get it. It's one of our things. How do you unmesh "Shiver me timbers?"