Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Kev Awards
On the way to school this morning, I heard Gloria Gayner's "I Will Survive." Which made me think of Kevin Kline's moving dance performance in "In & Out." Which made me think of the fact that Kevin Kline is one of my favorite actors, which then led me to think of other favorite actors of mine: Kevin Spacey and Kevin Pollack. Which made me go "huh."
Friday, September 22, 2006
The wheels on my Honda go round and round...
...and round and round! The dying, transmission blown, can't go over 25 at times (sometimes can't even get up that high) ol' minivan is no more. At least, no more being driven. By me. Cause I got me a new (to me) Honda crv! It's so cute! And God worked, I mean, HE WORKED, in this transaction.
I saw what I thought to be a good car on Autotrader.com. 100,000 miles, Edmunds said for what they were asking it was a good deal. So, I asked a friend from church, Jim, to go out with me to look/get it. Jim is a really nice guy, but if he wants to he can be army scary, which is what I wanted to get the best price. As it would be, he was able to go in the middle of his work day that particular day (called him on the spot.)
When we got out there, guess what, oops, it's not 100,000 miles but 136, 000 miles! BIG difference. And, no, that "check engine" light doesn't mean anything, it just needs an oil change. RI-IIIIGHT. So, anyway, just to make sure, Jim calls up his best friend Steve who is a Honda mechanic and Steve says to run, run far away from that car. Jim says "Heh, aren't you selling a car?"
And there we are. Except one big thing: Steve's car was on sale for TWICE the money I had. See, Brad is taking his time, not paying my lawyer, saying he's not gotten the papers, etc, so my separation isn't legal yet. Which means I DON'T HAVE PROOF OF INCOME, so I can't get a loan on my own yet. So, I ONLY had the money from my student loan and couldn't get any more.
So, ends up, Steve had a co-worker of a relative ask to buy the Honda by making payments, and he said no. He bought it from the dealership (a trade-in for a newer Honda) and put all new everything in it for a friend's daughter going off to college, and then the friend's daughter changed her mind. So here he was, stuck.
And God moved. Because Steve agreed to take my money, and wait till January when I get my second half of my student loan for the rest of it.
Thank you God! Thank you Jim! Thank you Steve and Laura! I now have reliable transportation, more reliable than I could have afforded. God moves in the COOLEST ways!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Fall, Fall, Glorious Fall!
I can feel it in the air, in my hair, a whisper of a breeze puts the ache in my knees...
Ok, no poet am I, but my favorite season of all is approaching, is nearly here....AUTUMN!!!!!!!!
It's not just the leaves. People love the leaves, the "colors." Me too. But it's the wistfulness, the melancholic ACHE of fall that I love.
I always think back to a fall day when I was in seventh or eighth grade. I had just gotten some new clothes, and that beautiful fall feeling was in me, and in the air, and I went outside in my new jeans, my new burgundy corduroy blazer with a pink oxford underneath, and my matching new burgundy shoes. I found the wind, faced into it, and sang (I think, maybe it's just this song I think of when I remember the memory) "Never stopping with her head against the wind" from Flashdance's 'Maniac.'
Stop laughing. It was a meaningful moment for me.
And now, my first autumn in quite a while without Brad. I was, am, feeling great without Brad. And I wasn't/am not LOOKING for someone. I've got enough going on without that. But something about the cool air, the nip, the bite, the early darkfall....it makes me long for that shoulder, that strong arm. Fall is about highschool football games wrapped up in a blanket with someone warm, a blanket that you keep picking up because you keep leaping and cheering for a team - any team. Fall is about slow kisses on the living room floor, backs against a loveseat, a blazing fire warming your feet (with help from the kisses.) For those of you married, do you remember kisses that didn't lead to sex? No, not kisses that didn't lead to WANTING sex, those are some poor kisses, my friend. No, I mean the kisses that stretched for hours and left you aching, but whole, and wanting more but not going there. Those were GOOOOOOD kisses. Somehow, the abundance and availability of marital sex turned kisses into something more akin to fast food, rather than the tortuous gourmet delicacy they once were.
This fall, I'm missing the kissing.
Holly is about to call me in a fit. I love you Hols, for worrying about me. I just said I was MISSING it, Mom, ok?!!?
So.
1. I'm missing the kissing.
2. Helping Katie with karate at her class, I found I was a lot more flexible than I thought - and more so than many of the orange belt ladies in there! Touch my toes? HA! I can palm the floor, baby!
3. I can still do cartwheels!
As FFH sings, "It's a good day." It REALLY is.
Ok, no poet am I, but my favorite season of all is approaching, is nearly here....AUTUMN!!!!!!!!
It's not just the leaves. People love the leaves, the "colors." Me too. But it's the wistfulness, the melancholic ACHE of fall that I love.
I always think back to a fall day when I was in seventh or eighth grade. I had just gotten some new clothes, and that beautiful fall feeling was in me, and in the air, and I went outside in my new jeans, my new burgundy corduroy blazer with a pink oxford underneath, and my matching new burgundy shoes. I found the wind, faced into it, and sang (I think, maybe it's just this song I think of when I remember the memory) "Never stopping with her head against the wind" from Flashdance's 'Maniac.'
Stop laughing. It was a meaningful moment for me.
And now, my first autumn in quite a while without Brad. I was, am, feeling great without Brad. And I wasn't/am not LOOKING for someone. I've got enough going on without that. But something about the cool air, the nip, the bite, the early darkfall....it makes me long for that shoulder, that strong arm. Fall is about highschool football games wrapped up in a blanket with someone warm, a blanket that you keep picking up because you keep leaping and cheering for a team - any team. Fall is about slow kisses on the living room floor, backs against a loveseat, a blazing fire warming your feet (with help from the kisses.) For those of you married, do you remember kisses that didn't lead to sex? No, not kisses that didn't lead to WANTING sex, those are some poor kisses, my friend. No, I mean the kisses that stretched for hours and left you aching, but whole, and wanting more but not going there. Those were GOOOOOOD kisses. Somehow, the abundance and availability of marital sex turned kisses into something more akin to fast food, rather than the tortuous gourmet delicacy they once were.
This fall, I'm missing the kissing.
Holly is about to call me in a fit. I love you Hols, for worrying about me. I just said I was MISSING it, Mom, ok?!!?
So.
1. I'm missing the kissing.
2. Helping Katie with karate at her class, I found I was a lot more flexible than I thought - and more so than many of the orange belt ladies in there! Touch my toes? HA! I can palm the floor, baby!
3. I can still do cartwheels!
As FFH sings, "It's a good day." It REALLY is.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Taking care of business
I used our weedeater today. I had thought it didn't work; that thought might have been put there by the ex, not sure, doesn't matter, cause it does work and I used it today. When the string broke, I called a friend and asked if I could run by his house and show it to him so he could SHOW ME how to get the lid thing off so I could change the string, which he did. I then proceeded to get the rest of that clingy stringy yellow greeny thingy which grows over the curb. The string broke a few times, and I fixed it everytime. My hands ache right now, but it's a GOOD ACHE, as I'm doing MORE than my husband wouldn't do! I"m taking care of this yard, while taking care of the kids, while going to school. I can do it. I'm enjoying it. Yeah, you might be thinking "just wait till you've had to use that weedeater a few more times, you won't be enjoying it." Maybe not. But I'll enjoy not enjoying it. Cause I'm doing it. Besides, I like mowing the lawn. Something about making the lines, it is satisfying. Probably the same reason why I like folding laundry (especially towels, I LOVE folding towels!) It brings about order. A sense of peace. Balance. Organization, ah, what it can do for the mind.
Ok, so I'm weird. You all knew that already.
Ok, so I'm weird. You all knew that already.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Reading, writing, and RENDERING?
I did a big ol' rendering tonight for my homework. It's not really rendering cause you render till you die, but that's the official name. You take a photocopy of what you are rendering, trace over it, then put the tracing paper under your marker paper and with greyscale markers you RENDER BABY, RENDER! I was scared to death of the first rendering, which was a simple tin can shape with light shining on it. Then we moved on to a helmet, already traced for us, then we took an ad out of a magazine and rendered it, then this assignment: Bring in five different items to render. I thought she would pick three or something, but that we would do them separately. Nope. We grouped them together, shot a picture, printed it out, traced it and rendered. And here is my finished rendering. I'm happy with everything but the omelet pan, I just couldn't get the depth. The items are an omelet pan, an apple sitting on a mini paper cutter with it's blade raised and resting on the apple, a double square punch, and a bottle of perfume (Alexander Julian "Womenswear.") I like. I never thought I could do this. School rocks.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Spilling my brains
I can't stay asleep. Maybe it's I choose not to stay asleep. Whatever, whichever, I wake up, needing to go to the bathroom, but then afterwards istay up for a half or or so. I have started turning off the computer before I go to bed, because I would come out and play solitare, even though I was falling asleep while doing it. So, then after starting the turning off of the computer, I began to turn on my bedside lamp and read, even though I was falling asleep during reading. For two nights, I refused to read, made myself just lay back down. For two nights, I have had big huge honkin' dream loops.
Have you ever had dream loops? Where, basically, you keep following the same path, be it through a house or building, or through a town, or both, and slightly different things can happen along the path, but you keep taking the path, hoping that at the end THIS TIME, you will wake up. OH YES, you know you're sleeping, but that doesn't mean that the water is any less cold or the rocks under your feet any less sharp.
Tonight, I started on a loop in highschool, a frequent bad dream, where I find out I didn't graduate, or even if I did, I need better grades, and have to go back. I was a boy, angry and rebellious, and not much more is remembered except trying tokeep the principal from seeing me and cutting through a place with a long, lovely curvy wurvy ramp that I kept jumping over the railing through to the next place in the curve rather than walking it. Then all of a sudden I was the babysitter for my daughter's friend Zoe, and we'd walk the length of her house until getting to the end, when I would exit, only to end up at the beginning again. Then, thelast loop, I was SURE I was awake and it was real. I even cursed "Oh shit, this is real!" For some reason, Zoe had been put to bed and I was petting a dog or a monkey, not sure which, in just my bra and panties, and then I realized it was real and I couldn't believe I would take off my clothes at someone's home, and I ran distraught through their home, looking for my shirt and shorts, and finally found them, and slipped out of the house and started running along a road, hoping that no one would drive up and rape me. I ran up to and tried to pass a young teenage couple, and got tangled in the hood the man was wearing, it ended up being both my cape and his hood, and I let him have it and continued to run. Then the dream turned into a path as a small child, where I would run along a bridge of squares, toward the corner and JUMP into the lake, and would swim with powerful arms toward the other side of the shore. Sometimes I could never get to the other side, sometimes there would be sharks in the water. One time, I decided to dive for the bottom and it was lovely, pristine sand, no water life or debris, and I wrote with my finger "Ali....loves.....brad....or john?" John is going to read this and freak out even more and change his cell number. John, you said "It's only hair." I'm saying "It's only a dream." ok, on we go....
Then I stand up and walk under water toward the shore, where I see the undersides of a dock, and then I see King Kong angrily splashing around and I hit the bottom, scared he'll see me, and I think he does as he starts to come to my side, so I roll under the dock, and he gets angry and starts jumping and throwing things and I lay perfectly still except I can not keep my big toe on my right side from jittering. Then this short man who kind of looks like Georeg Castanza comes over and points me out to Kong, and I'mhissing at him to stop, when I realize he has placed six hooks on my pants, and is aiming to yank me out from under the dock. I frantically start taking them off, and then take off running for the other side of shore. There I find characters from movies/tv shows that I can't remember right now, and I send one of them to go fight Kong. Jin from "Lost" is there on stilts, and he's married to some lady from my church, but he isn't happy. Then I start the new loop, walking through this big building, where the same lady glares at me as i have to walk over her shoes and purse and three ashtrays piled on three"breakfast in bed" little tables, until on one of the loops as she glares at me, I come back and give her what for, telling her that if she doesn'tlike me doing that then move her damned shoes and purse and cigs off the floor path and out of the way. Another small smoking woman who also glares is a few feet away, and I turn on her angrily and say "You hear that?" and she moves her stuff out of the way, too. And I continue along the path, through strange rooms with giant ferns, through a bar where Chuck is playing pool with some friends and I think "I thought he was supposed to be working" and think he should tell Holly if he doesn't have to work, maybe she would want to spend some time with him or go grocery shopping, then I continue and walk behind either Brad Pitt (who I have never cared for) or Sawyer, it's one of them, and they turn to Chuck and tell him they have an interview set up for him, then he gives me a page of lyrics and says that he'd like me to change the lyrics he has to sing for the new Rocky movie to something a little less "wordy", and I say "Like, 'Sarah....Sarah....'" (to the tune of the sarah song, but with rocky-like pronunciation) and Chuck, not really amused but kindly pretending to be, says yeah. Then I go into the same room where I keep seeing the same people, and this time I stop and say "Wait, we all want to wake up, right? Let's try quitting. We'll just quit. Say, 'we quit.'" Then I grab the hand next to me and open my mouth to say I quit and I wake up.
And feel the need to spill it. The little details have already gone hazy, gone away. How many times I went through the loop I don't know. I hate the loop dreams.
I feel guilty, for enjoying my "singleness." No, not dating, not gonna, but being free of the lies and constant constant questioning of just WHAT IS THE TRUTH?
And now I really need to go back to sleep. After one game of solitare. :) or :(
Have you ever had dream loops? Where, basically, you keep following the same path, be it through a house or building, or through a town, or both, and slightly different things can happen along the path, but you keep taking the path, hoping that at the end THIS TIME, you will wake up. OH YES, you know you're sleeping, but that doesn't mean that the water is any less cold or the rocks under your feet any less sharp.
Tonight, I started on a loop in highschool, a frequent bad dream, where I find out I didn't graduate, or even if I did, I need better grades, and have to go back. I was a boy, angry and rebellious, and not much more is remembered except trying tokeep the principal from seeing me and cutting through a place with a long, lovely curvy wurvy ramp that I kept jumping over the railing through to the next place in the curve rather than walking it. Then all of a sudden I was the babysitter for my daughter's friend Zoe, and we'd walk the length of her house until getting to the end, when I would exit, only to end up at the beginning again. Then, thelast loop, I was SURE I was awake and it was real. I even cursed "Oh shit, this is real!" For some reason, Zoe had been put to bed and I was petting a dog or a monkey, not sure which, in just my bra and panties, and then I realized it was real and I couldn't believe I would take off my clothes at someone's home, and I ran distraught through their home, looking for my shirt and shorts, and finally found them, and slipped out of the house and started running along a road, hoping that no one would drive up and rape me. I ran up to and tried to pass a young teenage couple, and got tangled in the hood the man was wearing, it ended up being both my cape and his hood, and I let him have it and continued to run. Then the dream turned into a path as a small child, where I would run along a bridge of squares, toward the corner and JUMP into the lake, and would swim with powerful arms toward the other side of the shore. Sometimes I could never get to the other side, sometimes there would be sharks in the water. One time, I decided to dive for the bottom and it was lovely, pristine sand, no water life or debris, and I wrote with my finger "Ali....loves.....brad....or john?" John is going to read this and freak out even more and change his cell number. John, you said "It's only hair." I'm saying "It's only a dream." ok, on we go....
Then I stand up and walk under water toward the shore, where I see the undersides of a dock, and then I see King Kong angrily splashing around and I hit the bottom, scared he'll see me, and I think he does as he starts to come to my side, so I roll under the dock, and he gets angry and starts jumping and throwing things and I lay perfectly still except I can not keep my big toe on my right side from jittering. Then this short man who kind of looks like Georeg Castanza comes over and points me out to Kong, and I'mhissing at him to stop, when I realize he has placed six hooks on my pants, and is aiming to yank me out from under the dock. I frantically start taking them off, and then take off running for the other side of shore. There I find characters from movies/tv shows that I can't remember right now, and I send one of them to go fight Kong. Jin from "Lost" is there on stilts, and he's married to some lady from my church, but he isn't happy. Then I start the new loop, walking through this big building, where the same lady glares at me as i have to walk over her shoes and purse and three ashtrays piled on three"breakfast in bed" little tables, until on one of the loops as she glares at me, I come back and give her what for, telling her that if she doesn'tlike me doing that then move her damned shoes and purse and cigs off the floor path and out of the way. Another small smoking woman who also glares is a few feet away, and I turn on her angrily and say "You hear that?" and she moves her stuff out of the way, too. And I continue along the path, through strange rooms with giant ferns, through a bar where Chuck is playing pool with some friends and I think "I thought he was supposed to be working" and think he should tell Holly if he doesn't have to work, maybe she would want to spend some time with him or go grocery shopping, then I continue and walk behind either Brad Pitt (who I have never cared for) or Sawyer, it's one of them, and they turn to Chuck and tell him they have an interview set up for him, then he gives me a page of lyrics and says that he'd like me to change the lyrics he has to sing for the new Rocky movie to something a little less "wordy", and I say "Like, 'Sarah....Sarah....'" (to the tune of the sarah song, but with rocky-like pronunciation) and Chuck, not really amused but kindly pretending to be, says yeah. Then I go into the same room where I keep seeing the same people, and this time I stop and say "Wait, we all want to wake up, right? Let's try quitting. We'll just quit. Say, 'we quit.'" Then I grab the hand next to me and open my mouth to say I quit and I wake up.
And feel the need to spill it. The little details have already gone hazy, gone away. How many times I went through the loop I don't know. I hate the loop dreams.
I feel guilty, for enjoying my "singleness." No, not dating, not gonna, but being free of the lies and constant constant questioning of just WHAT IS THE TRUTH?
And now I really need to go back to sleep. After one game of solitare. :) or :(
Thursday, September 07, 2006
I'm liking the new me
I LOVE SCHOOL! It rocks, I really love going back, and I seem to be actually doing pretty well. I am improving my art skills, which I didn't think I had any.
I went to a PTA meeting tonight. I've always been a card carrying member, but this is the first time I've gone to a meeting, and I contributed, and offered some services, and it felt good. Getting involved.
I went outside my comfort zone in volunteering to welcome visitors and lead them to where they need to go in my church. I am the quiet shy one when it comes to new people. Brad always introduced himself and I, I just nodded. Now I'm going to be walking with new folks for five minutes or so, taking them and their kids to the classrooms, etc. WAYYYY outside my comfort zone. It feels good.
I am sooooo looking forward to playing volleyball tomorrow night! So so so so so you can't know how so I am looking forward to it. And the next day, I signed up for a 12 hour crop, without a cropping buddy! I"m going there ALONE. I mean, THAT is not me, either. To go to an event alone. I still have never gone to see a movie alone. That just, well, feels wrong. This is a first for me. I guess another first.
I've got disk 3 and 4 of LOST: Season 2 in my hot little hands, and disk 5 and 6 are being mailed to me as we speak. I'm not taking a chance on not being caught up by the start of season 3.
I'm dealing. I'm feeling good. I'm in a size 10 jeans!
I went to a PTA meeting tonight. I've always been a card carrying member, but this is the first time I've gone to a meeting, and I contributed, and offered some services, and it felt good. Getting involved.
I went outside my comfort zone in volunteering to welcome visitors and lead them to where they need to go in my church. I am the quiet shy one when it comes to new people. Brad always introduced himself and I, I just nodded. Now I'm going to be walking with new folks for five minutes or so, taking them and their kids to the classrooms, etc. WAYYYY outside my comfort zone. It feels good.
I am sooooo looking forward to playing volleyball tomorrow night! So so so so so you can't know how so I am looking forward to it. And the next day, I signed up for a 12 hour crop, without a cropping buddy! I"m going there ALONE. I mean, THAT is not me, either. To go to an event alone. I still have never gone to see a movie alone. That just, well, feels wrong. This is a first for me. I guess another first.
I've got disk 3 and 4 of LOST: Season 2 in my hot little hands, and disk 5 and 6 are being mailed to me as we speak. I'm not taking a chance on not being caught up by the start of season 3.
I'm dealing. I'm feeling good. I'm in a size 10 jeans!
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