WHY are MEN such WUSSES?

I swear, men are such scaredy-cats. Doug and I had a mildly heated conversation Sunday night about pre-destination (he believes in it) and all of a sudden, Monday he gets my message that I'm free that night too late, then Tuesday he claims he had to go into an attic for one of his clients and got insulation on himself, so he couldn't stop over after the kids went to bed like he had been planning, because he had to get home and shower off the insulation, and tonight (our stable, every week Wednesday night date!) he just doesn't call.... I'm expecting a call later, claiming some other excuse. R I G H T.

Come on men! Don't claim that "I don't want to hurt her feelings" CRAP. You're gonna hurt her feelings anyway, whether outright by saying "I don't want to date anymore" or your preferred, sneaky wussy way of trying to get HER to get tired of you and your excuses. Just cut the cord, man!

What really pisses me off is not him not wanting to date me anymore, cause it was V E R Y casual...no, what pisses me off is that we were supposed to go on a float trip this weekend with friends from volleyball, and they are reserving camping sites and a larger raft for US...so by going about it this way, he is causing them to put out money on the reservation that won't be used! So because he doesn't want to DEAL with a girl's hurt feelings, he's costing other people money!

GRRRRR.

DOUG PLANTED A *REAL* ONE ON ME!

Yep, on the 6th (officially, but each date has lasted so many long hours that it feels more like 10) date, Doug ended the three date run of polite quick lip to lip kisses and slipped me some tongue. Boy, it doesn't sound as all romantic that way, huh? But it was, it was good. Slow and exploratory, not QUITE my idea of a perfect first kiss (see earlier blog) but pretty close.

And me and the kids now have TWO ADORABLE KITTENS! They were born the weekend after Mother's Day, siblings, and so cute....the kids don't know yet, I'm gonna surprise them this morning when their dad brings them home. I can't wait!

Gotta go, they'll be here soon!

Things are going well....

I finished up my summer class in photoshop/indesign, and got some really good compliments on my travel brochure from the professor. Doug and I have gone on four dates, I think, but they were LONG dates, as in July 4th, we spent 13 hours together. This past Saturday we spent 9 hours together. Doug says that his "door is closed, but unlocked." Which means, in dougspeak, that he isn't looking to date anyone else but me, but he isn't "committed" yet. Not me. I'm still in contact with a couple other guys, although I lean towards Doug.

Doug is such a gentleman. For the longest time he asked my permission to call me, and then he asked my permission to hold my hand, so I was looking forward to him asking my permission to kiss me, but the little bugger just leaned in and stole a pucker! We've only kissed twice, and they were simple little closed lips kisses, which still lends to the "gentleman" idea.

Working on the design for my kids' school t-shirts; I hope to be done by this Thursday.

And yes, I still miss Dennis. It gets better with Doug, though, the more I get to know him. But Dennis is still back there in my head, popping up all the time. It's amazing how close and knit someone can wriggle under your skin in just a few months.

Gotta go. Taking the kids swimming, and then gotta rest for my last softball game tonight.

Moving forward, but glancing behind...

Since Dennis:
I went out with David a couple times. But, didn't feel anything much, and the laughter wasn't there, so I quit him.
Then I went out with Doug a couple times, and will most likely continue to date Doug. He's very funny. Doug is 41, 6'1, owns his own business that he can kind of set his hours. He is divorced with a 12 yr. old girl and a 7 yr. old boy. We agree on important things religion wise, childrearing wise, and hate Alanis Morrisette and Sheryl Crow. He's not opposed to Buffy, although, oddly enough, he is opposed to Little House on the Prairie. Hmm.

I like him. Both dates we ended up sitting in my driveway, talking for over four hours. He's very courteous, asking my permission to call me again every time until I finally told him that he had unlimited permission to call me. I have a feeling he's the kind of guy that will ask my permission to kiss me the first time, as well.

But. Little but. I still think about Dennis. I never thought it would be hard to get over someone when I was the one breaking it off. Getting over Dennis is harder, it feels, than it was going through my divorce. Of course, with that, I slowly hardened my heart over five years, with every lie from Brad nailing another nail into the coffin of our relationship.

But Dennis. Everytime I hear "Remember When" on the country station, I think of him. Part of me likes to dream that he really will change his thinking, and come to me in a couple of years a renewed man with a future, and sweep me off my feet. The rest of me HATES it when that part dreams, because, statistics wise, I'd be better off dreaming of being hit by lightening. Not that that would be a good dream, but you get the idea.

And so I move on. But dream, sometimes literally, of Dennis. And while we're on the topic, what is with the "D" guys I'm dating? First there was Dan, then David, then Dennis, then another David, and now Doug. Another "hmmm."

KISSING 101

I just read a section in my book where it says "he pulls me to him and slowly, VERY slowly, kisses me again and again." Sigh. Guys, men, those of the male persuasion: LISTEN UP!

THE FIRST KISS: A girl doesn't want a hard, crushing kiss to be her first taste of your lips. She doesn't want to feel your passion. She wants to feel your wonderment (is that a word?), your AWE, your "I-can't-believe-I'm-kissing-her" feelings toward her. Look her in the eye. Then look down at her lips. Then back into her eyes as you bend towards her....slowly. Then back to the lips. Take one hand, or both, and cup her chin or the sides of her face...SOFTLY. Then...THEN... and this is IMPORTANT...kiss just one lip! Bottom or top, and make it off-center. Then gently open your lips slightly and catch her lip between yours. Continue to EXPLORE and MEMORIZE her lips with yours, SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY. Keep that tongue inside your mouth, unless it's to LIGHTLY lick the corner of her lips. And...

Break the kiss. No tongue to tongue action yet! Break the kiss, raise your head slightly and look her in the eyes again, then bend down for kissing section #2: more of the above, but a little more quick. A little more urgent. A little tongue action is now ok.


AND EQUALLY IMPORTANT: No matter how long you've been together, dating, even married, know that SHE WANTS TO BE KISSED LIKE THIS AGAIN! So, occasionally, fall in love with kissing her for the first time...again.

i HATE FATE

Fate sucks. "Oh look! The new Cabella's is right next to Archivers! It must be fate!" Now everytime I go to Archivers I think of him.

And what did I find today, looking through t-shirts at a thrift store? A "Cabella's" t-shirt! Argh!

I miss his voice. I miss his chuckle. I miss, even, him calling me "baby." Last night, I wondered if he would understand about Walt appearing to John in "Lost" and wanted to call him to explain about Walt and Michael.

When I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night, I wanted to call him.

When I tried a new meatloaf recipe, I wanted him to be the first to taste it. I look at the big bag of potatoes in my pantry and I think of how he loves potatoes.

But his life is a MESS. He so needs to grow up into his adult body. I can't take on that mess.

I've never broken up with someone I still cared about. Actually, save for my divorce, I really never broke up with anyone at all. Unless you count Jeff and Tommy in jr.high. And I couldn't even break up with them directly, I had to have a friend tell them.

This sucks. I don't want to still have feelings for him.

Help me get over it.

C O N F L I C T E D

Dunno, dunno, idunno.

To stay with him would be to say that my values mean nothing, that I will accept a victim mentality. To leave him would be to give up.

But to just date him casually...I can't do that.

I love him. I can't live with a victim. I can't live with him just as a friend.

Is he really changing, or just putting on a mask?

Dunno, dunno, idunno.

The simple truth:

Country Music is the music of PAIN...

...which is why I've been listening to it. I miss my man. He's in Kentucky, stuck there indefinitely, and I miss his voice, his smell, his little sweet kisses on my brow...

sniff.

Superbowl Schmuperbowl....

Dennis just left to go back to Kentucky. I don't know how long I can do this weekends only thing...it's fine for buying medium quality furniture at low prices, but not so great when you love someone.

Yes, and yikes. You heard me. I didn't expect this. I'm not someone that falls quick. I stopped dating relationships because the guy was getting too serious too fast for me. But this...it blew me out of the water. I want to grocery shop with Dennis. I want to fulfill Taco Bell cravings with Dennis. I want to buy pads at Walgreens with Dennis, for crying out loud. I want him around for the everyday moments...you know, when LIFE happens. I want him intricately tangled up in my life. I want him HERE. Everyday.

I've got all the time in the world, and none of the time in the world. Who does know how much time we have? What does Superchic[k] say "Why did I...wait to live till it was time to die?" I want my life to be with Dennis. So what am I waiting for?