See what I mean about unmeshing?

In the paper, there was a short article about the record 132 million taken in by "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest". The article was titled "Shiver me timbers!" And I IMMEDIATELY thought of the Buffy episode where Anya (an ex vengeance demon who lacks human tact) tells Dawn (Buffy's fake but now real sister who was used by monks to hide the very energy of life) that Xander (One of the original scooby gang, wacky, sexy in a goofy way, and my fave, oh, and Anya's boyfriend) who is going as a pirate for halloween, is going to teach her a new game later called "Shiver Me Timbers." Dawn, being young and innocent, questions what that is and someone whisks her away to less sexual conversations. Later in the episode, Dawn gets her first kiss (ironically from a vampire, who is so into her that he wants to turn her) and she mumbles, "shiver me timbers." I SOOOOOOO wanted to save this little article, to show to Brad. He would get it. It's one of our things. How do you unmesh "Shiver me timbers?"

Goodbye nighties

I was in the store with Katie and Olie, and saw a great nightie. You know the kind, moms can wear them without fear of warping their kids, but daddies give them a wholehearted "Heh, how YOU doin?" It was black with an explosion of incredibly rich, colorful flowers, spaghetti strap, just a couple inches above the knee. And I thought "Brad would love me in this," and then remembered.

How do you unmesh lives? I read a description once, of different ways of starting dreadlocks. NO matter how they were started, there was only one way of getting rid of them: cut them off, leaving one with an inch or so of hair.

I feel like that. It's not simply a matter of who gets what, when, or where. It's losing the person that loves to watch "Buffy: The Musical" yet again with you. Losing the one person who would go crazy for the cheap Aldi's con queso I'm eating right now cause it's so similiar to the con queso at the wonderful, but in a bad part of town, Mexican restaurant we go to when we're feeling dangerous. Losing the guy that can quote "The Fugitive" anytime, anywhere. Probably in two other languages, as well. Losing the man who lets me put my feet inbetween his calves when I'm cold.

It sucks. Big time.

Happy Independence Day!

Katie's and my "Tootsie Tradition."

I'm gonna be ok

Still don't know the cause of the myoclonus, but it's liveable. And I can make it without my husband. Right? RIGHT?

Short and sooooo not sweet

I'm filing for divorce. After almost twelve years of his lies and sex addiction, I've come to a large brick wall with only one door in it: OUT. I know now that there is nothing I can do to make him get help for his addiction. And there is certainly nothing I can do to make him tell the truth to me, his accountability partners, or his therapist. I mean, if you're lying to your therapist, do you really WANT to get better?

For those of you who want to jump in and say "But there's got to be SOMETHING we (and you really mean ME don't you?) can do!" - we've tried it. Intensive one-on-one eight hours a day for three days counseling. SA groups. Accountability groups. Therapy. Therapy number two. Partial hospitilazation for six hours a day, five days a week, for near six weeks. No truth for me, no sex for you. Sleep on the couch. In the basement. Separated. Three different times.

For those of you mentioned above, get this: HE, and only he, can make the decision to really get help and fight for his family. And time and time again, he has not.

You want to say I have no biblical reason for divorce: I do. A she and a he. Besides all the TEEN PORN, there was flesh with flesh with a she and a he.

I need support, not guilt. I'm over my co-dependency, now get over yours! I can do nothing, you can do nothing, your husband can do nothing, the ministers can do nothing; NOBODY BUT BRAD CAN DECIDE WHAT IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR. And, now it's too late.

I'm not saying God can't work a miracle and send me an angel with a sparkling post it note saying "You are now authorized to trust your ex-husband." But otherwise, it's over period. Because he's a GOOOOOOD liar. He makes up details, little things like "He knew where Homer was and even worked at the pizza place there!" He's completely believable, until I start praying "God, show me what I need to know" and then God makes him stupid, and he leaves evidence out in plain site. In a way, it's funny, the look on his face clearly saying "How could I have left that out????" and I know: God made you stupid. It was time for me to know. My God took care of me. Anyway, the only way to begin to trust someone with those kinds of lying powers is to begin to enmesh my life with his, and the only way I'll do that is through marriage, and the only way I'd marry him again is to know he's trustworthy, and the only way to trust him is to begin to enmesh...well, you get the idea. It's over.

I will miss my best friend. But I don't even know if who I think is my best friend is real.

I need support, not condemnation. I've been thinking about this and talking it over with a counselor for over a year. Waiting. For the lie I knew, I KNEW would come. Again. So don't say "think about this." I have. Don't say "God forgives you, shouldn't you..." God let's us suffer our consequences, ESPECIALLY when there is no REPENTANCE. It's not about forgiveness. It's about trust. I will miss who I thought was my best friend. People, I'm losing my best friend, my lover, my husband. Please don't have me lose you too.

-Ali

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Who's your daddy?!

BRAD HAS A JOB!! He's going to be working with Ceridian, a company he's worked with through many of his other jobs in payroll and hr. Just now he'll be on the other end. There might be some travel, but it seems it would be more local. He can work 4 ten hour days and get three day weekends every week if he wants, and insurance starts the day he starts, which is July 10. So he's still got some more time at home to get some little jobs done, like painting our bedroom, doing some long needed weeding, and whatever else I can think up for him! And...he'll be getting paid 10% more than his last job. What will be tough is his job being located so close to the Greek deli we love.... :)

My MRIs came back showing mild degenerative disk disease, just a fancy name for growing old a little too young. :) Since I had part of a disk cut out when I was a senior in high school, I've always known that I'd eventually have to have a vertebre fusion. Looks like that time may be here. But, looking all over the internet and googleland, I found no instances of DDD and chorea being hooked up. So, I'm thinking that's not what's causing the twitching, which really needs to be taken care of so I can drive my kids around again, what with Brad getting a job and all! But I see the doc on Wednesday, so we'll see.

Separately, my children seem perfect. They obey me almost always, have sweet manners, lilting voices, gentle hugs and kisses. But put them together and BOOM! I think I've done pretty well as a parent, but I just can't figure this one out, how to get them to GET ALONG. I mean, they do, they play together, but one little disagreement sends them off. And boy, do they love to push each other's buttons! I don't know what to do besides tie them up and pour tuna juice all over them. (Mad About You reference.) I didn't go through this because my sister was born when I was about ten. So I was more mom to her, especially in her early grade school years when I really was mom, the only one there during her waking hours, all weekend every weekend, while my own mother sowed some oats she had been saving up. So the relationship between my sister and I was very different than this FIGHTING FIGHTING FIGHTING. What to do, people, what to do?

Tomorrow could be the day...

Well, I go in for my double MRI tomorrow, on my spine at my neck juncture and my lower back, to see if that is the cause of my twitching. The electrocution (where they zap your nerves at different points and at different FREQUENCIES) and the "pokin' at ya, pokin' at ya" (where they put the long needle into your muscles and have you then move those muscles so they can record through the needle what it looks like) showed that my muscles are moving when they shouldn't be. "Whew" I thought, "I'm not crazy, it was really happening." Does anyone else feel like that? That if you have more than one medical issue at a time that you're scared to go to the doctor for both issues cause you're just sure he'll think you are a hypochrondriac? So you end up not going and it gets worse? Ok, just me? Maybe I am a bit nuts, then. What's the medical definition of someone who always thinks they are a hypochondriac?

So, anyway, my muscles are in constant motion, sometimes moving enough that my joint moves along with them. Which could be the cause of the insomnia, the utter exhaustion. Which would mean that I didn't need this depression med I was put on cause another doc thought the insomnia and lack of energy (and being anxious, which can happen when you can't control your muscles and your hubby is out of work) equaled depression, but the drug he gave me can cause big time dizziness, which I also have. So, tomorrow's MRI sessions could reveal the one source of four issues! Whoo-hoo! The fact that my leftover disk has been slowly deterioating since my back surgery when I was 18 might mean this is all cause of two things bumping each other that shouldn't. So, I get a fake disk put in and I'm good to go! YES!

So, some prayers would be appreciated. This has been going on since October, and I'm ready to get some real sleep and to rest, really rest, without looking like a marionette whose strings are in the hands of evil five year olds.

Not pox, can you believe it?

So says my kids' pediatrician, who I love dearly. And speaking of doctors....

May I say, if you live in the St. Louis area, you couldn't find a better primary doc than Dr. Mark Pelikan? I love this man. I originally went looking for a new primary doc because I couldn't stand the staff of the one I was using; they would never update our insurance, even when I stood over them, and then they'd try to make us pay extra for their mistake! Twice! So, anyway, I set up an appointment with some other guy who was in the same building as my ob/gyn and my kids' pediatrician. When I got there, I was informed that he was serving over in Iraq, and Dr. Pelikan was taking his cases. Well, Dr. Pelikan ended up being so great that when the Iraq guy got back and Dr. Pelikan went back to his own practice, I followed right behind.

You know how doctors get annoyed when you pull a Columbo "one last thing"? How they stop with their hands on the doorknob to discuss it with you? NOT DR. PELIKAN. He sits down, makes eye contact, and LISTENS to you. And when you go in six months later for something completely different, he remembers (or actually reads your file ahead of time, equally unheard of in that business) what you were in for before and asks how you're doing. And, best of all...get this! When he ordered some blood work to be done, as the first step in trying to figure out why I was having chorea, he called me AFTER HOURS to discuss the tests results and to determine our next step. AFTER HOURS. When I mentioned that was a little odd for a modern doc to do, he explained that when he had phone calls to make, he waited till the office was closed so he could dedicate as much time as needed to speaking to the patient, without having to hurry because there was someone waiting in room 2! Is this man great or what?

And, best of all, when I came in quite a few months since my last visit, just to get a simple test done, he passed me in the hall, stopped, turned around and said "I almost didn't recognize you, you look great!" (referring to my weight loss since my last visit.) I coulda kissed him. But that would not be above reproach, so I didn't, just said thanks.

So, anyway, Dr. Pelikan is a rare breed; a doctor who CARES about his patients. You could do no better than to have him as your primary doctor.

Why did the chicken cross 70?

To give my daughter the pox at Teddy Bear Camp!!!

We were looking forward to going on the zip line into the lake after lunch, when I noticed the pus filling spots on her neck. I asked Dave, a friend who was with his son at T.B. camp, if he thought it looked like poison ivy. Who knows, we decided, and I put the thought away. Until we changed into our bathing suits. Then I saw the spots all over her back, tummy, and even under the panty line. I knew my daughter hadn't been running naked in the foliage, so it must be....AH, NO. I took her to the nurse, who said Katie had to be quarantined from the rest of the campers, and that we'd have to arrange another ride home other than the church van we took to get to camp. I left Katie crying in the nurses room while I went to call Brad and get our stuff. The nurse gave Katie her jungle hat. I gave her a Payday candy bar. And we took a nap on the dayglo orange couch in the staff tv/game room.

So....tomorrow I take Katie to the doc to make it official, and then we'llhave to call all the friends who were coming to Katie and Olie's combined birthday party this coming Saturday. At least she feels fine, and I've yet to find a pock on her face. When I got the pox, they hit my face like a storm; in my throat and mouth, ten on my bottom lip alone. When I got back to school (this was in my sophomore or junior year, I can't remember which) I got called pizza face, was told I looked like I got into an axe fight and I didn't have an axe, and my favorite: "Heh Ali, can I play connect the dots on YOUR FACE?"

So, my dear darling daughter, be glad you're getting them now. It could be far worse.

This chocolate or that chocolate....

At the last minute, a research group paid me $50 for Katie and I to taste and rate two different chocolate milks. Cool. And much to my surprise and delight, my friend Dorothy was taste testing the milks also! Tomorrow Katie and I are going to a "Junie B. Jones" thing at the local Barnes and Noble, and next weekend: TEDDY BEAR CAMP!

Last year, Teddy Bear Camp, (which is an introduction for kindergarten and first grade students to camp, with their parent, for one night and two days,) was blisteringly hot, as in 105 degrees hot! The pool water was, for some reason, a murky green (the lake water was clearer!) but you didn't care, it was so hot you just jumped in. Hopefully this year it won't be so hot.

Next year Daddy gets to take Olie to Teddy Bear Camp. They're growing up, despite my strict instructions to the contrary.