Short and sooooo not sweet

I'm filing for divorce. After almost twelve years of his lies and sex addiction, I've come to a large brick wall with only one door in it: OUT. I know now that there is nothing I can do to make him get help for his addiction. And there is certainly nothing I can do to make him tell the truth to me, his accountability partners, or his therapist. I mean, if you're lying to your therapist, do you really WANT to get better?

For those of you who want to jump in and say "But there's got to be SOMETHING we (and you really mean ME don't you?) can do!" - we've tried it. Intensive one-on-one eight hours a day for three days counseling. SA groups. Accountability groups. Therapy. Therapy number two. Partial hospitilazation for six hours a day, five days a week, for near six weeks. No truth for me, no sex for you. Sleep on the couch. In the basement. Separated. Three different times.

For those of you mentioned above, get this: HE, and only he, can make the decision to really get help and fight for his family. And time and time again, he has not.

You want to say I have no biblical reason for divorce: I do. A she and a he. Besides all the TEEN PORN, there was flesh with flesh with a she and a he.

I need support, not guilt. I'm over my co-dependency, now get over yours! I can do nothing, you can do nothing, your husband can do nothing, the ministers can do nothing; NOBODY BUT BRAD CAN DECIDE WHAT IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR. And, now it's too late.

I'm not saying God can't work a miracle and send me an angel with a sparkling post it note saying "You are now authorized to trust your ex-husband." But otherwise, it's over period. Because he's a GOOOOOOD liar. He makes up details, little things like "He knew where Homer was and even worked at the pizza place there!" He's completely believable, until I start praying "God, show me what I need to know" and then God makes him stupid, and he leaves evidence out in plain site. In a way, it's funny, the look on his face clearly saying "How could I have left that out????" and I know: God made you stupid. It was time for me to know. My God took care of me. Anyway, the only way to begin to trust someone with those kinds of lying powers is to begin to enmesh my life with his, and the only way I'll do that is through marriage, and the only way I'd marry him again is to know he's trustworthy, and the only way to trust him is to begin to enmesh...well, you get the idea. It's over.

I will miss my best friend. But I don't even know if who I think is my best friend is real.

I need support, not condemnation. I've been thinking about this and talking it over with a counselor for over a year. Waiting. For the lie I knew, I KNEW would come. Again. So don't say "think about this." I have. Don't say "God forgives you, shouldn't you..." God let's us suffer our consequences, ESPECIALLY when there is no REPENTANCE. It's not about forgiveness. It's about trust. I will miss who I thought was my best friend. People, I'm losing my best friend, my lover, my husband. Please don't have me lose you too.

-Ali