Moving forward, but glancing behind...

Since Dennis:
I went out with David a couple times. But, didn't feel anything much, and the laughter wasn't there, so I quit him.
Then I went out with Doug a couple times, and will most likely continue to date Doug. He's very funny. Doug is 41, 6'1, owns his own business that he can kind of set his hours. He is divorced with a 12 yr. old girl and a 7 yr. old boy. We agree on important things religion wise, childrearing wise, and hate Alanis Morrisette and Sheryl Crow. He's not opposed to Buffy, although, oddly enough, he is opposed to Little House on the Prairie. Hmm.

I like him. Both dates we ended up sitting in my driveway, talking for over four hours. He's very courteous, asking my permission to call me again every time until I finally told him that he had unlimited permission to call me. I have a feeling he's the kind of guy that will ask my permission to kiss me the first time, as well.

But. Little but. I still think about Dennis. I never thought it would be hard to get over someone when I was the one breaking it off. Getting over Dennis is harder, it feels, than it was going through my divorce. Of course, with that, I slowly hardened my heart over five years, with every lie from Brad nailing another nail into the coffin of our relationship.

But Dennis. Everytime I hear "Remember When" on the country station, I think of him. Part of me likes to dream that he really will change his thinking, and come to me in a couple of years a renewed man with a future, and sweep me off my feet. The rest of me HATES it when that part dreams, because, statistics wise, I'd be better off dreaming of being hit by lightening. Not that that would be a good dream, but you get the idea.

And so I move on. But dream, sometimes literally, of Dennis. And while we're on the topic, what is with the "D" guys I'm dating? First there was Dan, then David, then Dennis, then another David, and now Doug. Another "hmmm."

KISSING 101

I just read a section in my book where it says "he pulls me to him and slowly, VERY slowly, kisses me again and again." Sigh. Guys, men, those of the male persuasion: LISTEN UP!

THE FIRST KISS: A girl doesn't want a hard, crushing kiss to be her first taste of your lips. She doesn't want to feel your passion. She wants to feel your wonderment (is that a word?), your AWE, your "I-can't-believe-I'm-kissing-her" feelings toward her. Look her in the eye. Then look down at her lips. Then back into her eyes as you bend towards her....slowly. Then back to the lips. Take one hand, or both, and cup her chin or the sides of her face...SOFTLY. Then...THEN... and this is IMPORTANT...kiss just one lip! Bottom or top, and make it off-center. Then gently open your lips slightly and catch her lip between yours. Continue to EXPLORE and MEMORIZE her lips with yours, SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY. Keep that tongue inside your mouth, unless it's to LIGHTLY lick the corner of her lips. And...

Break the kiss. No tongue to tongue action yet! Break the kiss, raise your head slightly and look her in the eyes again, then bend down for kissing section #2: more of the above, but a little more quick. A little more urgent. A little tongue action is now ok.


AND EQUALLY IMPORTANT: No matter how long you've been together, dating, even married, know that SHE WANTS TO BE KISSED LIKE THIS AGAIN! So, occasionally, fall in love with kissing her for the first time...again.

i HATE FATE

Fate sucks. "Oh look! The new Cabella's is right next to Archivers! It must be fate!" Now everytime I go to Archivers I think of him.

And what did I find today, looking through t-shirts at a thrift store? A "Cabella's" t-shirt! Argh!

I miss his voice. I miss his chuckle. I miss, even, him calling me "baby." Last night, I wondered if he would understand about Walt appearing to John in "Lost" and wanted to call him to explain about Walt and Michael.

When I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night, I wanted to call him.

When I tried a new meatloaf recipe, I wanted him to be the first to taste it. I look at the big bag of potatoes in my pantry and I think of how he loves potatoes.

But his life is a MESS. He so needs to grow up into his adult body. I can't take on that mess.

I've never broken up with someone I still cared about. Actually, save for my divorce, I really never broke up with anyone at all. Unless you count Jeff and Tommy in jr.high. And I couldn't even break up with them directly, I had to have a friend tell them.

This sucks. I don't want to still have feelings for him.

Help me get over it.

C O N F L I C T E D

Dunno, dunno, idunno.

To stay with him would be to say that my values mean nothing, that I will accept a victim mentality. To leave him would be to give up.

But to just date him casually...I can't do that.

I love him. I can't live with a victim. I can't live with him just as a friend.

Is he really changing, or just putting on a mask?

Dunno, dunno, idunno.

The simple truth:

Country Music is the music of PAIN...

...which is why I've been listening to it. I miss my man. He's in Kentucky, stuck there indefinitely, and I miss his voice, his smell, his little sweet kisses on my brow...

sniff.

Superbowl Schmuperbowl....

Dennis just left to go back to Kentucky. I don't know how long I can do this weekends only thing...it's fine for buying medium quality furniture at low prices, but not so great when you love someone.

Yes, and yikes. You heard me. I didn't expect this. I'm not someone that falls quick. I stopped dating relationships because the guy was getting too serious too fast for me. But this...it blew me out of the water. I want to grocery shop with Dennis. I want to fulfill Taco Bell cravings with Dennis. I want to buy pads at Walgreens with Dennis, for crying out loud. I want him around for the everyday moments...you know, when LIFE happens. I want him intricately tangled up in my life. I want him HERE. Everyday.

I've got all the time in the world, and none of the time in the world. Who does know how much time we have? What does Superchic[k] say "Why did I...wait to live till it was time to die?" I want my life to be with Dennis. So what am I waiting for?

Mmmmm.... life is GOOD....

Aren't we a cute couple? Please pay no attention to the nice pink raw spot on my chin...it has absolutely NOTHING to do with kissing a man with a rough beard, nothing at all, it's, ah, it's...it's... it's the newest fad! Yeah, blushing your chin instead of your cheeks...it's all the rage.

School is good again, although more work, a good amount more. And sometimes, on Fridays especially, it's a little hard to keep my mind on my work, when I know that a certain handsome Kentucky man will be arriving at my house mid-day and I can't be there with him! Waahhh!

Dennis's accent is starting to grow on me; I am now finding it kinda sexy, EXCEPT for "cold" and "old" and "bold" and "told"... well, you get the idea. I mean, he's ODE but BODE, and he TODE me he was CODE. But as long as he'll come warm himself up with me when he's code, it's all good!

Well, dang that man!!

I wanted to be a dating machine. I wanted to date casually, every other weekend, by MY timeline. I wanted to be flying free for a year or so, before I started to really "dig" someone. And that plan was working out just fine. UNTIL.

First, he was 5'11. All my guys were known by their heights. There was 6'4, 6'0, 5'7, then 5'11, then 6'5. I was really excited by the idea of 6'5 - he's an amazing guitarist, and I imagined us jamming together. And he was HOT as well. What could be better?

Then, he became "Kentucky Boy." And Kentucky Boy was just my friend, I was bound and determined that he was going to be just my friend, he was too young for me, I wanted someone older, and besides, HE LIKED COUNTRY MUSIC. There was NO WAY I was gonna date that kind of insanity... I mean, Barbara Mandrell? Conway Twitty? Nuh-uh.

And now... he's Dennis. And, my friends, we can forget about the height guys, as I've decided to see Dennis exclusively. Dang him. Just screwed my timeline all up. I guess, well, I guess I've got a BOYFRIEND. I'm 37 and I have a boyfriend. Manfriend?

So... there we are.

School, wonderful, sanity bringing school....

The kids went back to school today, somebody give me an "AMEN!" Oh, I love them, but I was actually able to clean parts of the house without them becoming dirty five minutes later today!

Our trip to Indy was exhausting, but fun. Got our family pic taken, saw some old friends, and the kids drank more soda than they have had the whole previous year combined. Then this past weekend a friend from Kentucky came up and we showed him our Zoo. He and I also went to see the Globetrotters with free tickets from a friend - I actually enjoyed it, they were pretty funny!

School starts next week for me, and I can't wait. I get more done, I think, when I'm busy. Being on a schedule is also good for me.

This weekend is the annual scrapbooking retreat - WHOO-HOO! And the next weekend Bill and I are doing date number two. Another "Whoo-hoo" for that, as well!