Spilling my brains

I can't stay asleep. Maybe it's I choose not to stay asleep. Whatever, whichever, I wake up, needing to go to the bathroom, but then afterwards istay up for a half or or so. I have started turning off the computer before I go to bed, because I would come out and play solitare, even though I was falling asleep while doing it. So, then after starting the turning off of the computer, I began to turn on my bedside lamp and read, even though I was falling asleep during reading. For two nights, I refused to read, made myself just lay back down. For two nights, I have had big huge honkin' dream loops.

Have you ever had dream loops? Where, basically, you keep following the same path, be it through a house or building, or through a town, or both, and slightly different things can happen along the path, but you keep taking the path, hoping that at the end THIS TIME, you will wake up. OH YES, you know you're sleeping, but that doesn't mean that the water is any less cold or the rocks under your feet any less sharp.

Tonight, I started on a loop in highschool, a frequent bad dream, where I find out I didn't graduate, or even if I did, I need better grades, and have to go back. I was a boy, angry and rebellious, and not much more is remembered except trying tokeep the principal from seeing me and cutting through a place with a long, lovely curvy wurvy ramp that I kept jumping over the railing through to the next place in the curve rather than walking it. Then all of a sudden I was the babysitter for my daughter's friend Zoe, and we'd walk the length of her house until getting to the end, when I would exit, only to end up at the beginning again. Then, thelast loop, I was SURE I was awake and it was real. I even cursed "Oh shit, this is real!" For some reason, Zoe had been put to bed and I was petting a dog or a monkey, not sure which, in just my bra and panties, and then I realized it was real and I couldn't believe I would take off my clothes at someone's home, and I ran distraught through their home, looking for my shirt and shorts, and finally found them, and slipped out of the house and started running along a road, hoping that no one would drive up and rape me. I ran up to and tried to pass a young teenage couple, and got tangled in the hood the man was wearing, it ended up being both my cape and his hood, and I let him have it and continued to run. Then the dream turned into a path as a small child, where I would run along a bridge of squares, toward the corner and JUMP into the lake, and would swim with powerful arms toward the other side of the shore. Sometimes I could never get to the other side, sometimes there would be sharks in the water. One time, I decided to dive for the bottom and it was lovely, pristine sand, no water life or debris, and I wrote with my finger "Ali....loves.....brad....or john?" John is going to read this and freak out even more and change his cell number. John, you said "It's only hair." I'm saying "It's only a dream." ok, on we go....

Then I stand up and walk under water toward the shore, where I see the undersides of a dock, and then I see King Kong angrily splashing around and I hit the bottom, scared he'll see me, and I think he does as he starts to come to my side, so I roll under the dock, and he gets angry and starts jumping and throwing things and I lay perfectly still except I can not keep my big toe on my right side from jittering. Then this short man who kind of looks like Georeg Castanza comes over and points me out to Kong, and I'mhissing at him to stop, when I realize he has placed six hooks on my pants, and is aiming to yank me out from under the dock. I frantically start taking them off, and then take off running for the other side of shore. There I find characters from movies/tv shows that I can't remember right now, and I send one of them to go fight Kong. Jin from "Lost" is there on stilts, and he's married to some lady from my church, but he isn't happy. Then I start the new loop, walking through this big building, where the same lady glares at me as i have to walk over her shoes and purse and three ashtrays piled on three"breakfast in bed" little tables, until on one of the loops as she glares at me, I come back and give her what for, telling her that if she doesn'tlike me doing that then move her damned shoes and purse and cigs off the floor path and out of the way. Another small smoking woman who also glares is a few feet away, and I turn on her angrily and say "You hear that?" and she moves her stuff out of the way, too. And I continue along the path, through strange rooms with giant ferns, through a bar where Chuck is playing pool with some friends and I think "I thought he was supposed to be working" and think he should tell Holly if he doesn't have to work, maybe she would want to spend some time with him or go grocery shopping, then I continue and walk behind either Brad Pitt (who I have never cared for) or Sawyer, it's one of them, and they turn to Chuck and tell him they have an interview set up for him, then he gives me a page of lyrics and says that he'd like me to change the lyrics he has to sing for the new Rocky movie to something a little less "wordy", and I say "Like, 'Sarah....Sarah....'" (to the tune of the sarah song, but with rocky-like pronunciation) and Chuck, not really amused but kindly pretending to be, says yeah. Then I go into the same room where I keep seeing the same people, and this time I stop and say "Wait, we all want to wake up, right? Let's try quitting. We'll just quit. Say, 'we quit.'" Then I grab the hand next to me and open my mouth to say I quit and I wake up.

And feel the need to spill it. The little details have already gone hazy, gone away. How many times I went through the loop I don't know. I hate the loop dreams.

I feel guilty, for enjoying my "singleness." No, not dating, not gonna, but being free of the lies and constant constant questioning of just WHAT IS THE TRUTH?

And now I really need to go back to sleep. After one game of solitare. :) or :(