i HATE FATE

Fate sucks. "Oh look! The new Cabella's is right next to Archivers! It must be fate!" Now everytime I go to Archivers I think of him.

And what did I find today, looking through t-shirts at a thrift store? A "Cabella's" t-shirt! Argh!

I miss his voice. I miss his chuckle. I miss, even, him calling me "baby." Last night, I wondered if he would understand about Walt appearing to John in "Lost" and wanted to call him to explain about Walt and Michael.

When I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night, I wanted to call him.

When I tried a new meatloaf recipe, I wanted him to be the first to taste it. I look at the big bag of potatoes in my pantry and I think of how he loves potatoes.

But his life is a MESS. He so needs to grow up into his adult body. I can't take on that mess.

I've never broken up with someone I still cared about. Actually, save for my divorce, I really never broke up with anyone at all. Unless you count Jeff and Tommy in jr.high. And I couldn't even break up with them directly, I had to have a friend tell them.

This sucks. I don't want to still have feelings for him.

Help me get over it.

C O N F L I C T E D

Dunno, dunno, idunno.

To stay with him would be to say that my values mean nothing, that I will accept a victim mentality. To leave him would be to give up.

But to just date him casually...I can't do that.

I love him. I can't live with a victim. I can't live with him just as a friend.

Is he really changing, or just putting on a mask?

Dunno, dunno, idunno.